I'm not a big movie watcher (lack of time) but I found myself wanting to watch "The Ugly Truth" at 5:30 this morning. Why? I don't know, I'm not a Heigl fan, she annoys me. I found a few reminds. One, men are dirty, one minded monsters who think about sex all the time. Not a shock, my own husband told me yesterday that he was cleaning to earn sex. I don't care, as long as he's cleaning. The second reminder came in the shape of a cat and it's name. Tanyon (or at least that's what I heard at 6 something this morning) Heigl calling for her cat, Tanyon to get out of a tree. This is the name I dubbed our Angel. A name I thought was so uncommon that when it came up it would be for a special reason.
Here I am watching a movie and my mind is flooded with thoughts of Tanyon. Thinking of how old he would be, what would he be doing if he were here on Earth with us. Then I realized, without losing Tanyon, I wouldn't have my daughter. There lies the bitter sweet in being in my shoes. Would I have been better off if we hadn't lost Tanyon? I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I would not know a large chunk of the women I know today. I wouldn't have my sweet daughter. While I wish I had no idea what losing an baby in the womb feels like, it has shaped me, more so then any other single event in my life.
Losing him made it possible to accept my daughter for who she is no matter what. Because a child unable to look at and speak to me, is better then no child at all. I can help her, we have helped her and she has helped us. Losing Tanyon is so final, I can only love him in my heart. He can't feel my arms around him, I can't feel his hands touching my skin and no matter how hard I pray he can only speak to me in my dreams.
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